Missing
by chaoskilledthedinosaurs
Summary: After a heated argument between Connor and Zoe Murphy, Zoe decided to sneak out of the house and go for a quick drive. The drive however, was not quick. Zoe’s car was found near the park but she was no where to be seen. Most presume she is dead, but Connor isn’t ready to lose hope. Not yet. It was his fault after all. Connor talks to people he never thought he would while at
1. Chapter 1

Everyone's eyes immediately fell on me the moment I walked through the door. I could already tell that the first day of school was going to be dreadful.

"Connor!" I heard Alana Beck's voice before I actually saw her. Seeing her hurt. It reminded me of Zoe. I glared at her and continued to walk to my assigned locker. Determined, Alana kept at my side. "Connor, I'm talking to you." She stubbornly announced.

"What do you want?" I hissed, perhaps a little too violently.

"I-- I know it's a touchy subject but I really want to know if you have any more information on Zoe." Alana explained, her enthusiastic tone fading away. Alana, like me is one of the few people who doesn't think Zoe is dead-- or doesn't want to believe it at least. That's the only reason I'd occasionally make small talk with her. She was a close friend of Zoe's. If she only knew what I'd done, she'd hate me.

 _"Where have have you been!?" Zoe demanded the moment I entered the house._

 _"It's none of your fucking business." I snapped in response. I was obviously high-- I reeked of pot._

 _"It actually kinda is, I'm your sister." I huffed at her come back._

 _"Where the fuck is Larry? He's usually the one to be bugging me the moment I walk in the door."_

 _"Mom and Dad are sleeping. They're fed up with your bullshit excuses of why you always come home late."_

 _"And you aren't?" I remarked._

I found my locker, unlocked it, and flung it open in anger.

"If I had any news on Zoe don't you think I would've told you?" I growled. Alana didn't respond but the doubtful expression on her face was enough. "Now leave me the fuck alone."

"Sorry, Connor. I just thought I'd ask. I miss her just as much as you do. Have a good day." Alana apologized with one of her huge fake ass smiles. Even when she was upset or angered, Alana would never let it show. She'd always hide it with that smile of hers. On the other hand, I'm not afraid to let my anger show. Everybody already thought I was a freak anyway.

By the end of the day, almost everyone said "Sorry about your sister" or "Sorry about Zoe" as if she were dead. She wasn't dead. She couldn't be dead. However, there was one person who stood out to me. Evan Hansen.

"H-- hey." He nervously greeted me as I closed my locker at the end of the school day. I didn't reply. "I-- I heard about Zoe. Are-- are you okay?"

"Oh I'm fucking perfect." I responded sarcastically and slammed my locker shut. I noticed Evan take a small step back, expecting me to snap at him.

"How'd you break your arm?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Oh umm-- I was-- I was just climbing a tree and-- and I fell." He responded.

"You fell out of a tree?" I chided. "That's the saddest fucking I've ever heard." I laughed and Evan nervously joined in. "Umm, No one's signed your cast." I observed realizing how awkward the situation was getting.

"Oh yeah-- yeah, I know." Evan softly replied.

"Umm-- I'll sign it, do you have a sharpie?"

"Oh, you don't have to-- I mean-- I mean it's fine if--"

"Just give me the fucking sharpie, Hansen." I growled. Evan shoved his hand into his left pocket and pulled out a sharpie. I grabbed it as he held it out to me and gripped his cast to hold his trembling arm still.

"Ow." He pathetically whimpered.

"Sorry." I hastily apologized and loosened my grip on him. After I finished scribbling my name in huge letters on Evan's cast I capped and handed him the marker.

"Oh, thanks." Evan lightly grinned. He had a great smile.

"Uh huh. Now we can both pretend we have friends."

"Good point."

"Evan!" A new voice called. I spun around to see Jared Kleinman approaching us. "Oh hey Connor-- sorry about Zoe." Jared looked as if he wanted to make a snarky comment but rethought it, realizing my current situation. Just him considering it made me wanna punch him in the face.

"She's not fucking dead." I muttered to myself. I saw Jared shoot Evan a doubtful look. Neither of them knew what to say to that.

"Umm-- Jared and I were gonna go to the mall, uh-- do you wanna come?" Evan invited me. Jared shrugged but didn't say anything. Today, I was planning to search for Zoe again. Everyday I made it part of my routine. I even walked to school today so maybe I'd find something-- but like always, I didn't. I would spend days over the Summer when she first when missing searching for her-- but she was nowhere to be found. I suppose it couldn't hurt to try to get my mind off of it, even if it was only for a little while.

"Okay, sure-- I'll go." I agreed.

 _"Trust me I am, Mom and Dad wanted me to make sure you came home." Zoe objected._

 _"Well I'm home now." I said and became fascinated in the wall as Zoe babbled on about something I didn't give two shits about. Something just looked different about it-- unless it only looked weird because of how high I was._

 _"Connor! Are you even listening!?"_

 _"Listening to what?" I questioned._

 _"Are you high!?"_

 _"Probably." I said I'm a dead serious tone. Zoe sighed as her face started to turn to a light shade of red. I was pissing her off. Perfect._

 _"Is this seriously all you spend you Summer doing!? Vanishing for hours on end, then reappearing high off your ass and--"_

 _"Blah blah blah!" I shouted over her._

I followed Evan and Jared to Jared's car. Not wanting to be next to Kleinman, I sat in the back seat. Evan nervously climbed in next to me. I silently glanced at him then out the window as Jared started to drive.

After a little while, I felt Evan nudge me and I jumped at the sudden physical contact.

"S-- sorry! I didn't-- I wouldn't have-- just--" Evan immediately stuttered. I heard Jared chuckle from the front seat.

"No, it's fine, relax. It's just-- I wasn't expecting it, sorry. What did you wanna say?"

"Oh umm-- I was gonna umm-- tell you not to let Jared near the lush store when we get there. Last time we k-- kinda got kicked out after he ate a bath bomb without paying for it." Evan anxiously laughed.

"That was once, Evan! It tasted horrible and I won't do it again!" Jared objected.

"Jared you've eaten bath bombs before that--"

"Shut up!" Jared interrupted him. "We're here." Kleinman let Evan and I out in front of the mall so he could go find a parking spot. Why am I even here with two kids I don't even know? Is it too late to go home now? I could probably walk from here--

"So how long have you've been painting your nails?" Evan shyly asked.

"Why do you wanna know?" I snapped.

"Oh sorry I--"

"Zoe taught me when we were little-- I've just kinda never stopped doing it. Plus, it helps me calm down." I told him, I had to force Zoe's name out. My phone started ringing from my pocket. I groaned, took it out, and looked to see who was calling. It was Cynthia, my mom. I sighed before pressing the green button to answer.

"What?" I growled.

"Are you walking home? Where are you, honey?" Cynthia asked in a gentle tone.

"No, I'm at the mall."

"Oh?" She sounded confused. "Your Father and I want to take you out to dinner later, when will you be home?"

"I don't know, you can pick me up in an hour or two." I told her.

"Okay, b--" I hung up before she could finish her sentence. I could tolerate Cynthia, but Larry was another story. Going out to eat with them was going to be interesting (in a bad way).

"Sorry, that was my mom." I apologized to Evan as Jared approached us.

"We should get Connor a better manicure." Kleinman exclaimed.

"Fuck off, Kleinman." I hissed.

"It was a joke." The shorter teen muttered. Stepping into the mall made me immediately regret my decision of tagging along with them. There were so many people and although I knew they weren't, it felt like their eyes were burning into me from the moment I stepped foot in the place. Evan didn't seem all that confident either. It looked as if he were trying to make himself shrink so he wouldn't be noticed-- making himself invisible. He trailed behind Jared as I walked to the right of him.

"I know where we're going first!" Jared exclaimed. "I have a feeling you'll like this store, Connor." I rolled my eyes, already knowing which store he was talking about.

"Is it fucking Hot Topic?" I guessed.

"How'd you know!?" He asked rhetorically. "I love all of the gay shit they have in that store." I watched as Evan remained silent while Kleinman babbled on about why Hot Topic was the stereotypical "Emo" store. I only half listened to Jared's rant before we found the store. Jared lead us into the store, I followed him, and Evan followed me. Jared already seemed to know exactly where to look and it was kinda funny. While Jared was looking at the shit he wanted I decided to roam the store a little bit as well. I was surprised when Evan trailed behind me and not Jared, but I didn't say anything. Nothing really seemed to catch my eye except for the black nail polish sitting at the checkout counter. I was running low on mine and did need some more, so I wound up buying it and shoving into my bag.

Eventually we wound up leaving the store after Jared bought a fidget spinner with batman symbols on it, a tin of Pokémon cards, and a pin that read 'I'm as straight as a rainbow' with a small picture of a rainbow underneath the writing. I wasn't at all shocked to find out Kleinman was gay. I mean, it was pretty obvious he wasn't straight.

"Did anyone get a lot of homework today?" Jared questioned. I shrugged.

"I have some math and I have to start planning for some sort of journal entry for Language Arts." I explained. "But It's not like I'm actually gonna do any of it."

"I have math homework too and-- and I need to get some papers signed for science." Evan told us. "Lab safety stuff."

"Same here." Jared added. I felt my phone vibrate and reached into my pocket to see who texted me. It was Alana.

 **A.B: Hi Connor, this is Alana! I just wanted to say sorry about before. I know the subject is hard for you to talk about but if it helps, I don't believe she's dead either. I'm sorry for even asking about it before because if you did find her, like you said, you'd have let me know. I'm always here if you want to talk! :)**

I stared at the text for a while. I remembered when Zoe gave Alana my number in case there was an emergency and she needed me for some reason. I didn't even realize th3 tears starting to stream down my face.

"Are-- are you okay, Connor?" Evan shyly asked. I used my sleeve to wipe the tears from my face.

"I-- I should probably go now." I muttered and started to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Jared stopped me. "We just got here."

"It was a mistake coming here. Thank you guys for inviting me but I have to go." I said, trying so hard not to snap at them.

"You never answered my question!" Jared objected while Evan nervously looked down at his feet.

"Why the fuck do you wanna know, Kleinman!?" I hissed. "I'm going to look for Zoe-- just leave me alone!"

"Jared just-- just--" Evan paused. "Leave him alone." I wanted to thank Evan, but if I said another word I'd either end up hysterically crying or snapping at them. So, with that I stormed away from them and out of the mall. Once I stood outside for a while, calming myself down, I texted Cynthia:

 **Me: I just left the mall don't pick me up. I'll be home in an hour or 2**

 **C.M: Ok sweetie see you soon. 3**

After texting her, I closed out of the conversation and went back to the text Alana sent me. I decided to text her back:

 **Me: hi Alana can u pick me up from the mall?**

 **A.B: Why…?**

 **Me: Well u don't need to it's just that I wanted to look for Zoe and I thought you'd want to come along**

 **A.B: Oh ok! I'll be there in a few minutes!**

 **Me: U better hurry before I regret it**

I was already regretting it. I've always searched for Zoe alone. I shouldn't have dragged Alana into my mess. It was my fault Zoe went missing in the first place, so it was my responsibility to find her.

 _"You're such a disappointment!" Zoe yelled._

 _"Tell me something I don't know!" I snapped back._

 _"What's going on down here!?" Larry hurried down the stairs and marched up to us._

 _"M-- maybe if you would've-- just went through with it last year we'd all be better off!" Zoe hissed, ignoring Larry and quickly covered her mouth, realizing the words she had just spoken. I froze in place. She couldn't possibly mean-- no._

 _"Zoe Murphy! Go up to your room now, and don't ever say that to your brother again!" Larry scolded her. That was probably the first time Larry has ever taken my side in an argument. I was shocked until he turned to me._

 _"Connor you reek of pot, go take a shower and come back down to talk." He demanded._

A few minutes later, Alana pulled up in front of the mall and I climbed into the passenger seat, slamming the door closed behind me.

"H-- hi Connor!" Alana greeted me nervously, knowing the kind of mood I was in at the moment. "Where should we start looking?"

"Ellison State Park." I replied sternly. "I've been searching for her since she went missing."

"Do you think we're gonna find her?"

"Well, I can't tell myself otherwise or else I will stop searching."

"Why can't you stop searching?" I didn't respond. I wouldn't tell Alana what I did. I _couldn't_ tell her.

It wasn't until we got to the park that I opened my mouth again.

"We'll find her-- eventually."

"I hope." Alana sighed as we both exited the car. "So what were you doing at the mall? How'd myou get there without a car?" Alana asked as we started walking around.

"Oh umm-- I went with Evan Hansen and Jared Kleinman." I explained.

Two hours went by real quick. Of course, we didn't find anything, but it was worth the effort. Alana and I would occasionally have small talks-- it was actually pretty nice to have someone to talk to for a change, also I was happy that I didn't snap at her once the whole time we were at the park. From the looks of it, she was pretty happy too. By the time we got in her car to leave, Alana was beaming. That made me feel a little better-- I didn't even know a small smile formed on my face until I noticed Alana staring at me.

"What?" I asked irritably as she burst into laughter. I chuckled a little too, which made her laugh harder. "Just drive, I gotta be home soon." I told her through my laughter.

The moment I walked in my door, I regretted telling Alana to drive. I figured I'd just sneak upstairs to my room, but Cynthia wasn't kidding about the going out to eat thing. Her and Larry were waiting for me in the living room.

"Connor honey, could you go get changed into something nicer?" Cynthia gently questioned.

"Where are we going?"

"Out to eat, I told you before on the phone." Cynthia confirmed.

"Where are we going to eat?"

"Just go get dressed, Connor!" Larry growled. I flipped him off before storming up the stairs to my room.


	2. Chapter 2

Looking good wasn't exactly my specialty. I wore the same grey hoodie to school everyday, so picking out 'nice' outfits was always difficult for me. I never wore light colors because I never wanted blood to stain the clothing. Zoe was good with fashion-- she always looked nice without even putting much (or any) effort into it.

"Connor!" I heard Larry yell from downstairs. I noticed that I'd been staring at my closet for ten minutes. I chose to keep my black jeans on and put on a black tee-shirt with a leather jacket over it. Even if my parents protested, I wasn't taking it off. It was nice enough for me. I sullenly dragged myself down the stairs and to the living room. Cynthia and Larry got up and headed to the door, ready to go. I followed them outside, locking the door behind me. I climbed in the back seat of Larry's work car while Cynthia took the passenger seat and Larry took the driver's seat.

"Where are we even going?" I murmured.

"Guess." Cynthia tried to lighten the mood. Larry responded when he realized I wasn't going to.

"The Cheesecake Factory." He announced. The Cheesecake Factory had always been my favorite restaurant. Zoe didn't dislike it, but she'd argue about going because she preferred the fancy Chinese restaurant next door.

 _After showering, I threw on a pair of old pajamas that I didn't even know I had anymore. They were a gentle sky blue and I felt awkward wearing something that wasn't darker colored. I pushed up the sleeve and used my left index finger to trace the scars on my right wrist. Zoe wanted me dead. Zoe hated me. I was such an ass to her. I fucked up. I fucked up._

"Larry, Connor was supposed to guess." Cynthia sighed in disappointment.

"He's not even listening-- look at him, he's probably high."

"I'm not fucking high!" I snapped at him. "I'm the one who started the conversation, dumbass!"

"Don't speak to me like that again, Connor Murphy!" Larry ordered back. Cynthia looked at her feet, but didn't say anything. None of us spoke for the rest of the car ride.

I slammed the car door shut behind me and reluctantly followed my parents into the restaurant. We were seated at a booth, so I sat on the opposite side of Larry and Cynthia.

"So what were you doing at the mall?" Cynthia tried to start a conversation. I shrugged.

"I went with some kids from school." I replied. Cynthia looked shocked while Larry was incredulous.

"Oh, that's nice!" Cynthia said smoothly while Larry rolled his eyes.

"Relax, they aren't my friends." I growled. "I don't even really know them."

"Connor I didn't--"

"I know you're shocked! Connor of all people, being social!?"

"Connor your father and I are happy for you!" Cynthia assured me.

"Pfft sure." I mumbled before the waitress came over to take our orders. I didn't order anything, I told my parents I didn't want to eat and that I had eaten at the mall which was a complete lie because I haven't eaten anything in three days.

"Connor, this is your favorite restaurant." Cynthia mumbled.

"Yeah, so?" I hissed. "I'm not hungry."

"Connor, you should rea--"

"Fuck off Larry!" I snapped a little too loud. A manager came up to our booth and told us to shut up. Well he didn't say that, but he told us to lower our voices. Larry was glaring at me from across the table. Not wanting to meet his eyes, I glanced down at my phone. I had received a text.

 **A.B: Hi Connor, I was just wondering if you'd like to sit with me at lunch tomorrow. I had fun today, despite our current situation. :)**

 **Me: Sure i guess**

I told my parents that I had to go to the bathroom when the food came. I didn't really have to, I just needed an excuse to get away from them. So I didn't really go to the bathroom-- I walked in the direction it was in and once I was out of sight, I turned and headed towards the exit of the restaurant. When I made it outside, I went around to the side of the building and searched my pockets for a cigarette. I couldn't find any. I usually had some on me because although it's bad to smoke, it's better (but less calming) than weed. I sighed in frustration and kicked the brick wall. I took a few deep breaths before heading back inside.

I was silent for the remainder of the dinner. Larry and Cynthia made some small comments that I ignored (although most of them weren't directed at me).

I was relieved when I was able to lock myself in my room and be alone for the rest of the night.

I didn't have to worry about searching for Alana because the moment I entered the cafeteria, she bounded up to me.

"Hi Connor!" She greeted me with a huge grin plastered to her face. I didn't respond, but forced a weak half smile to let her know I wasn't ignoring her. "Where do you wanna sit?"

"Wherever." I shrugged nonchalantly. Alana lead me to a table in the back right corner of the lunch room. It was out of the way so no one would really be focused on us. We sat across from each other and I watched as Alana pulled out a neatly packed lunch from her purple bag.

"Do you have anything to eat?" She asked when she noticed I was just sitting there.

"No, I didn't pack a lunch and there is no way I'm eating the shit the school serves." I answered.

"Do you want anything from my lunch? I packed a lot. Here have this!" She exclaimed and shoved a bag of pretzels into my hands.

"I'm fine, I don--"

"Connor, you need to eat." I rolled my eyes, but I knew she was right. I hadn't eaten anything in days so I opened the bag of pretzels and started to munch on them. I had no idea how hungry I was until I started eating.

"Don't choke, Murphy!" A new voice warned mockingly. I guess I hadn't realized how fast I was eating them either. Jared Kleinman slammed his lunch tray on the table and plopped down next to me.

"What the fuck, Kleinman! Who said you could sit here!?" I growled.

"Actually, Evan and I usually sit here so who invited you?." He smirked contemptuously.

"Sorry Jared, we can move--" Alana started to apologize.

"No, you can stay!" Jared insisted and started to talk to Alana about something I didn't give a shit about. From the corner of my eye, I saw Evan start to approach the table but stopped midway with a confused expression on his face. It was as if he were trying to make sure that it was the right table. He eventually, made his way over and sat down next to Alana and across from Jared.

"H-- hi, Connor. Hi Alana." He stammered nervously.

"Hey." I said flatly.

"Hi Evan!" Alana chimed.

"Oh-- Oh, h-- hey Evan!" Jared mocked. Evan looked away, embarrassed. I pitied the poor kid-- he had to put up with Kleinman on a daily basis. I didn't even realize that words were coming out of my mouth until I finished speaking.

"Fuck off, asshole." I hissed at Jared, who just laughed in response.

"It was just a joke, relax." Jared rolled his eyes and I glared at him. I glanced back at Evan who smiled slightly at me.

"Why'd you ditch us at the mall yesterday?" Jared questioned.

"I was busy."

"With what?"

"Alana and I went to Ellison State Park to look for Zoe." I told him honestly.

"Umm, sorry but-- but did you s-- say Ellison State Park?" Evan queried.

"Yeah, why?"

"Oh it's just because-- because I volunteered there over the-- the Summer as an apprentice park ranger, so I know my w-- way around there. I can help you look for her if-- if you want."

"That'd be great, Evan!" Alana exclaimed before I could answer.

"Yeah, thanks." I muttered.

"I'll come too thanks for the invite!" Jared added.

"Okay! Should we go after school?"" Alana asked.

"I usually do this alo--" I tried to objected but was cut off by Jared.

"Sure, I'm fine with that. Do you need a ride, Ev?" Evan nodded.

"Okay, Connor, you can come with me then and we can meet at the park." Alana suggested.

"Okay." I agreed sullenly, knowing there was no way I could talk her out of going with me. I would always search for Zoe alone, being with Alana yesterday was alright and Evan seemed nice-- but Jared was another story.

Alana and I arrived at Ellison State Park before Jared and Evan. Once they arrived, I showed them which trails I already took and asked Evan if he knew of any other ways through the woods. Evan nodded and lead us to a new trail I've never seen before-- probably because there was tall grass covering the start of it, making it invisible from a distance.

"So why do you look for her at the park anyway?" Jared asked.

"Her car was found somewhere around here." I responded dryly. It was silent for a few moments after that.

"So umm-- um what exactly are we looking for?" Evan shyly questioned. I shrugged. I didn't even know myself-- I would normally walk around and just hope for Zoe to reappear or for me to find something that would lead me to her.

"Just anything that might help us find her."

"Very specific." Jared remarked and I scowled at him.

"Shut up." I mumbled. More silence followed.

"So um-- how was everyone's day at school?" Alana tried to start a conversation. Jared groaned.

"Pretty awful." Evan muttered.

"Pretty awful? More like fucking terrible." I sighed. Evan flashed a small smile at me, which I returned. Maybe if I could just make some friends, my life wouldn't be a complete waste. Alana must've saw my grin to Evan because she bursted into laughter just like she had the day before.

"What are you even laughing at?" Jared asked confused and perhaps slightly worried. Alana pointed at me and I immediately turned my face away from them. Alana's uncontrollable giggling made me start to laugh. Soon I heard Evan laugh, then Jared followed suit. For a while we all just stood there laughing and for once in a long time I was actually enjoying myself.

Eventually the laughter died out and we all stood still for a few moments, catching our breaths.

"Did I just hear Connor Murphy laugh?" Jared teased.

"Tell anybody and I will stab you." I responded jokingly. Alana and Evan smiled at that, too tired to laugh again. Suddenly, my phone started to ring-- ruining the moment. It was Larry. I shot the others an apologetic glance and reluctantly answered the phone.

"What the fuck do you want!?" I snapped at him.

"Where are you?" He demanded.

"I'm out okay? Does this really concern you?" I growled.

"I'm your--"

"I know you're my father and I don't give a shit!" With that, I hung up on him. Too riled up from the phone call, I stormed further down the trail, hoping I would get far ahead of the others, knowing I would snap at them if they tried talking to me.

"C-- Connor wait!" I heard Evan call from close behind me. I stopped in my tracks and turned around.

"What do you want!?" I violently hissed, causing Evan to take a step back. Jared and Alana soon caught up to us.

"S-- sorry-- umm-- I--" he nervously stammered. My phone started ringing again. This time it was Cynthia. I answered.

"I already told Larry, I--"

"Connor listen to me!" Cynthia ordered, stricter than I've ever heard her in a long time. I waited for her to continue. "You're father and I just worry about you-- especially after what happened with-- with Zoe. Can you please tell me where you are?"

"I'm at the park." I replied honestly.

"Connor, I don't want you there alone, it's really close to where--"

"Yeah I know, I know. I'm not alone I'm with some friends from school." I was shocked myself that I even used the term "friends" for these new people I just met (except for Alana, who I knew from Zoe). Jared seemed both shocked and honored to be my friend-- which surprised me because who wants to be friends with me? Evan had a slight smile on his face but he anxiously looked down at his sneakers.

"Oh that's great honey! You should invite them over for dinner!" Cynthia suggested.

"Well there is three of them--"

"That's fine, we have extra chairs! We could fit all of them-- I'll make something good!" I didn't really want to turn down the offer when she was as enthusiastic as she was.

"Whatever, I'll ask." I put the phone to my side for a second. "My mom wants to know if you guys wanna come over for dinner."

"Sure!" Alana grinned.

"I-- I have nothing better to do." Evan responded, looked at me, and smiled.

"I guess." Jared muttered sarcastically.

"They could all come." I spoke into the phone again.

"Great! You guys could come home soon to wash up and hang out before dinner is ready."

"Okay, thanks, Mom." I didn't even realize how long it's been since I've called Cynthia "Mom" until I said the word. She must've noticed too because she hesitated.

"Ok bye, sweetie."

"Bye." I hung up on her and shoved my phone back into my sweatshirt pocket. I took a few deep breaths before speaking again. "We should start heading back-- my mom said that we should be home before dinner is ready to wash up or some shit."

"Okay, lets-- let's turn around then." Evan said and started to lead the way back through the trail.

Once we got back to the parking lot, Alana and I went in her car, while Jared and Evan took Jared's car and followed us to my house.

Once we set foot in the house, Cynthia hurried to greet us.

"Mom, you know Alana. That's Evan and that's Jared." I introduced her, pointing to each as I said their name, before she could say anything.

"Hello! I'm Mrs. Murphy, but you could just call me Cynthia!" She told them. Evan shyly waved while Jared grinned.

"Thanks for having us, Cynthia!" He announced and elbowed Evan, making him look up from his shoes. I noticed how when he was nervous he would look at the ground or his feet so he wouldn't have to make eye contact with anybody.

"You should all go wash your hands before dinner, Connor show them to the bathroom." Cynthia said.

"Alana, you can go use the upstairs bathroom-- and take Jared. We'll use the downstairs bathroom." I instructed, gesturing to myself and Evan at the end. Alana had been over too many times when Zoe was still here-- she knew her way around the whole house.

Once we all washed our hands, we went upstairs to my room before dinner. I plopped onto my bed and buried my face into my pillow. I felt someone sit at the edge of the bed but I didn't bother to look up to see who it was. I heard someone jump onto my rolling chair at my desk and automatically assumed it was Jared.

"You okay, Connor?" Alana asked. The voice came from the edge of my bed, so she must be the one sitting there. I groaned. "I'm taking that as a 'no'--" She was interrupted by a loud crash. I sat up to find Jared on top of a noticeably disheveled Evan with my rolling chair lying on the ground not too far from them.

"What the hell?" I hissed.

"Oops…" Jared muttered and rolled off of Evan.

"I was gonna tell you to get off that chair-- and why were you sitting on the floor, Evan?" Alana sighed.

"I-- I didn't think he would fall on me!" Evan objected.

"I'm unpredictable-- you should know this by now." Jared smirked. I noticed Evan wincing as he sat up. He was rubbing his cast. I dragged myself off my bed and sat next to him.

"You okay?"

"Yeah-- yeah I'm fine."

"Really? Cause you have a broken arm and Jared probably just made it worse." I glanced at Jared who simply shrugged it off.

"Yeah-- umm my arm-- my arm kinda hurts but it's fine it--"

"Dinner is ready!" Cynthia called. I sighed before leading everybody downstairs.


	3. Chapter 3

Larry and Cynthia were already seated at the table when we made it to the kitchen. I sat at the complete other end of the table to get further away from them. Jared sat to my left and Evan was to my right, Alana was next to Jared. I rolled my eyes as Larry introduced himself to everyone, shaking each of their hands. He noticed and shot me a brief glare, which I returned. I prodded the food in my bowl with my fork, I didn't have an appetite. Once everybody was settled and began to eat, Cynthia spoke up.

"So did you guys do anything fun at the park?" She questioned.

"Mom, we just looked for Zoe." I murmured. Her face went from a smile to concerned quickly. "It's not like I went alone this time!" I argued.

"But you shouldn't drag your friends into this--"

"Umm-- actually Mrs. Murphy Connor didn't want us to go with him, we kinda forced him to let us come." Alana defended me. I wanted to smile but didn't have the energy to.

"True that." Jared commented with his mouth full of food. Evan shyly nodded in agreement.

"I don't know why you even bother, Connor. You're not gonna find her-- she's not coming back." Larry growled.

"You don't know that!" I snapped at him.

"We both know how much you miss your sister but that gives you no reason to yell at your father!" Cynthia scolded me and I laughed.

"I always yell at him! I yell at both of you! I don't know why you get mad at me for trying to find Zoe-- I thought you loved her!" I slammed my fists onto the table, causing Evan to nervously jump in his seat and Jared to laugh at him. Alana looked concerned about the fight going on between my parents and I. She opened her mouth to interfere but I stopped her. "No, don't get involved." I warned.

"Connor, don't start this now." Larry hissed through gritted teeth. I rolled my eyes but didn't reply, not wanting to cause anymore quarrels in front of everyone.

"So how did you guys meet Connor?" Cynthia asked, changing the subject.

"Well I saw Evan talking to him so I walked over." Jared explained.

"Yeah, he umm-- he signed my cast." Evan nervously added and lifted his broken arm to show my parents. They exchanged glances-- I couldn't interpret the meaning of them, but it probably wasn't good. I scowled at them and looked over at Evan. He's back to anxiously prodding the gluten free pasta Cynthia prepared. Even if I were hungry, I'd rather starve than eat that shit. However, I forced a mouthful down my throat, hoping Larry wouldn't question me about not eating for the past few days. The conversation melted into an awkward silence.

"This pasta is very--" Jared started.

"Inedible." I finished his sentence.

"I was gonna say delicious but--"

"Connor!" Larry hissed. "Apologize to your mother!"

"Oh, go fuck yourself, Larry!" Was what I responded with. I knew it would get me into huge trouble but I didn't care. Larry stood up, a few drops of pasta sauce flew from his fork, which he had violently placed in his bowl, and stained his shirt. I stood up as well, although Evan did tug on my sleeve, trying to get me to sit back down. For a while there was just silence as Larry and I stared each other down. I noticed Cynthia shoot me a pleading look. I reluctantly sat down, muttering somewhat of an apology. I realized Evan was slightly trembling next to me.

"You okay?" I whispered as Cynthia said something to Alana, acting as if nothing had happened. Evan shook his head in response.

"N-- no, I just-- I got scared-- sorry-- I-- I need to get out of here." Evan's breathing grew faster with each word.

"Hey, it's okay." I went to help him up but stopped myself. "Um-- do you need help? I can take you upstairs to my room away from everyone." I suggested. I didn't want to touch him-- I knew from my own anxiety attacks that sometimes physical contact is a huge no-no.

"Y-- yeah-- Thanks." Evan stammered and let me lead him up the stairs to my room. I heard Larry call after me but I ignored him. Moments later, I heard footsteps running up the stairs. I sat Evan down on my bed and prepared to snap at Larry, but it was Jared who flung open my door instead.

"What the hell, Kleinman!" I snapped, which made Evan flinch. "Sorry." I quickly muttered. Jared immediately sat on the other side of Evan.

"Is touch okay?" He asked in a tone which made it obvious he had to deal with this frequently. Evan nodded through tears. Upon hearing this, Jared placed a hand on Evan's shoulder. Evan flinched but didn't resist at all. I watched as tears streamed down Evan's face and his chest was rising and falling unusually fast. He was shaking and had a hand rested on his knee, which he focused on through his tears. I didn't even think. I just gently rested my hand on top of his. He didn't pull away or protest, instead he tilted his head to glance at me and half smiled, before looking back down at our hands. I glanced over at Jared who stood up and brushed off his pants.

"We should give him some space." He announced.

"I'll be down in a minute." I muttered, signaling for Jared to meet me down there. Thankfully, he left so it was just Evan and I. "Hey Ev, where's your phone?" I asked softly. He used the hand that wasn't covered by mine to reach into his pocket and hand me his phone. He didn't have a passcode on it, so I went to his contact app and added my number.

"I added my number to your phone. If you need me for anything just text me, I'll be downstairs." I forced myself to move my hand away from Evan's and got up.

"Stay." Evan squeaked shyly. "Please."

"Are you sure? I--"

"Please." Evan begged. I sat down next to him again and texted Cynthia, letting her know I was going to stay upstairs with Evan. We sat in silence for a few minutes, until I decided to speak because I sure as hell knew Evan wouldn't.

"So what made it-- was it my fault? Of course it was my fault, I always mess shit up."

"No-- no it's not like-- well kinda-- but no-- I just-- I don't like fighting." Evan stammered.

"And I fought with Larry so it was my fault."

"Connor-- it was-- it just-- I-- sorry."

"Why are you sorry? I should be sorry."

"Just because-- nevermind. I just don't like being near f-- fights or yelling. It's-- it's fine though."

"Hey, are you guys alright?" Alana asked as she barged into my room, Jared following her. I hated it when people didn't knock before coming in, but I didn't bother saying anything to Alana as she sat down next to me. Jared sat on the other side of Evan.

"We're fine." I replied, still slightly agitated at the fact they didn't knock. Evan nodded before focusing on his knee again. "What happened with dinner?"

"Well your Mom told us it was okay to go check on you guys so here we are." Jared answered. I glanced at Evan then back at Jared.

"We could bring our food up here if you want, Evan-- as long as no one makes a mess." That last part was directed at Jared who shrugged in response.

"You-- you don't have to-- sorry-- I--" Evan avoided eye contact as he spoke.

"Okay we're going to bring food up here." I insisted and stood up, gesturing for Jared and Alana to follow me.

I completely tuned out my parents as we went downstairs. I simply grabbed Evan's dish, leaving Alana and Jared to get their own, and walked back up the stairs, careful not to drop Evan's food as Jared and Alana followed. Evan was still on my bed when we entered my room again. I handed him his plate and sat on the floor with my back against my bed. Alana sat beside me and Jared of course sat in the rolling chair.

"Nope, get off the chair, Kleinman." I protested.

"I won't fall off of it again. See the last time was a test, I was seeing how far I could lean back without it tipping over. Now I know when it will tip so I just won't lean that far back." Jared argued.

"Whatever."

"C— Connor, where's your food?" Evan asked, changing the subject.

"I left it downstairs, I'm not hungry."

"You said that before but then you ate all my pretzels." Alana stated.

"Maybe I was hungry before, but I'm definitely not hungry now."

"Connor, what did you eat today?" Alana questioned.

"That's none of your business."

"You should eat, Murphy. Food is good," Jared added. "Without food I would die. Like I would actually die. No one could live without food."

"Exactly." I muttered quietly.

"What?" Alana's eyes widened out of concern. Shit, she heard me.

"Nothing." I tried to cover it up.

"Connor you can't just star—" She started.

"Shut up, I can do what I want and it's not of your concern." I hissed, I didn't need these people to worry about me. _I_ don't even worry about me.

"Connor come on, what did you eat today?" Alana prodded.

"Well, I had a bag of pretzels and some of that shitty pasta my mom made."

"Y— you only ate one bite, I was sitting next to you." Evan piped up.

"So?"

"Dude, you have to eat." Jared told me.

"I don't have to do anything I don't feel like doing."

"When was the last time you ate a decent meal?" Alana's voice was full of worry. I had to take a few moments to think about that.

"I think I ate a slice or two of pizza three days ago for dinner." I admitted.

"Connor, you have to eat something right now!" She scolded.

"I've been drinking water, I'm fine. People water fast and it actually has health benefits." I retorted.

"That's true." Jared chimed.

"Yeah, but to do that you have to drink a ton of water in replacement for each meal and you can't diet like that for long."

"Whatever, I'm fine. You're not going to make me eat because I'm not hungry and that's that." I turned around and glanced at my clock. "Alright, it's getting late you guys should go."

"Not until you eat." Alana objected.

"I'll eat tomorrow." I lied. There was no point in eating at this point. If I ate a lot I would just end up throwing it up minutes later. My body can go a while without eating and I don't care if it's healthy or not. Alana sighed, knowing that her argument was going nowhere and just gave up.

"Fine, you better eat tomorrow." She told him. I walked all three of them downstairs and after they brought their plates to the sink, I guided them to the door.

"Bye." I held open the door for them as they walked out and said their goodbyes back.

"Please eat." Evan pleaded as he walked by me. I closed the door behind them and ran to my room, hoping Larry would spare me from yet another lecture.


	4. Chapter 4

"Connor, wake up!" I heard Cynthia call from downstairs. I was already awake. In fact, I had been awake all night. I pretended not to hear her and pulled my blanket over my head. "Connor?" She walked into my room.

"You could've knocked first," I mumbled from beneath the covers.

"Connor, you have to go to school."

"I can't. I don't feel well."

"Con—"

"I'm not making it up this time." I actually wasn't. My whole body felt weak and tired but I just couldn't all asleep. "I haven't slept at all last night and I feel horrible."

"Okay, I guess you can stay home. Try to sleep, you need to get some rest. If you need anything your dad should be around here somewhere. I'm running to the store, I'll be back soon," Cynthia explained and left my room. I preferred talking to her over my dad because she was more understanding and reasonable than he was.

I knew why I felt so terrible and didn't care to fix it. If I die, I die, right? Who would care? Zoe certainly wouldn't.

 _When I heard frantic shouting between my parents and footsteps running down the stairs, I yanked my sleeve back down and slowly opened my door. Something told me to apologize to Zoe- to try to talk to her, so I skulked over to her room and knocked on her door. I got no response. I knocked again. Nothing._

" _Zoe?" I called. "I'm sorry." No response. I decided that she was either ignoring me or she was downstairs with my parents so I opened her door, which to my surprise, wasn't locked. Her room was empty, but her window was left open. A slight breeze entered the room and rustled some of the drawings she had pinned to her corkboard. Something was off about the entire scene. Something didn't feel right so I ran down the stairs in search of my parents and Zoe._

I got out of bed and stumbled down the stairs to find something small to eat. I couldn't eat too much but I needed something to help ease the pain I felt in my stomach. I went to the kitchen and started rummaging through various cabinets for something to eat.

"What're you looking for?" Larry questioned. He was sitting at the table reading the day's newspaper.

"Food," I replied. I was too exhausted to snap at him.

"Why? I thought you didn't feel well."

"I just need something small so the pain will go away, but it can't be anything too big because I don't want to ruin my chances of dying." I didn't mean to say that out loud, shit.

"What?"

"Nothing, just leave me alone."

"Connor, you aren't starving yourself, are you?" I could hear the concern in his voice. I didn't answer and continued looking for a snack. I finally settled for a pouch of Little Bites chocolate chip muffins and tried to go back upstairs, but Larry grabbed my wrist. "Connor, stay down here and talk to me."

"Don't touch me!" I shouted and tried to pull away from him. However, I was too weak and started to feel light headed as I tugged. My vision was slowly starting to blur until everything went black.

I woke up in a cold unfamiliar room. I was in a hospital. Great. I noticed that I had an IV in my arm filling me with water.

"Connor?" Larry was sitting beside the bed I was in.

"Why'd you take me to a hospital?" I hissed.

"You passed out-"

"Yeah, that's probably because I haven't slept all night!"

"You haven't been eating."

"Yes, I have! I had a bag of pretzels and some of the crap Cynthia made last night. It's only been four days, I've gone longer without food before."

"Damnit, Connor. You have to start caring about yourself more, next year you're going to college. You'll be moving out-"

"Actually, I don't plan on doing either of those things because I don't even plan on being alive next year." I could tell Larry didn't know how to respond so I shoved my hand in my sweatshirt pocket in search of my phone, but the pocket was empty. "Do you have my phone?" I changed the subject. He nodded, took it out of his pocket, and handed it to me. I had a bunch of texts from a group chat with Alana, Evan, and another number, which I assumed was Jared. They were all wondering where I was and why I wasn't in school and if I was okay:

 **A.B: Hey Connor, you weren't in school today. Are you okay?**

 **E.H.: Have you eaten anything?**

 **J.K.: Are you dead man?**

 **E.H.: He's not dead**

 **J.K.: You don't know that**

 **A.B.: Come on guys**

 **A.B: Connor?**

 **J.K.: He probably just doesn't have his phone on him**

 **J.K.: He probably stayed home sick or something**

 **J.K.: Maybe he just slept in and decided to stay home instead of going to school late**

 **E.H.: I hope**

 **A.B.: No, it probably has something to do with the fact that he's been starving himself!**

 **A.B.: Connor**

 **A.B.: Please answer when you can.**

 **J.K.: What if he's DEAD!?**

 **A.B: JARED STOP**

 **Me: Hey I'm fine but I wish I were dead**

 **E.H.: Where were you?**

 **Me: Felt sick**

 **A.B.: Connor you need to eat. Did you eat?**

 **Me: Not yet but it looks like I'm being forced to**

 **E.H.: Are you okay?**

 **Me: No**

 **Me: I'm never okay**

 **J.K.: Same**

 **E.H.: Jared**

 **J.K.: What? I was only partially kidding when I said that**

 **A.B.: Who's forcing you to eat? Did you tell your parents?**

 **Me: My dad took me to the hospital**

 **Me: I passed out this morning**

 **Me: Just woke up**

 **Me: Still don't feel great so I have to go bye.**

I turned my phone off after sending that and sighed. Why did they care so much? They shouldn't care. No one should care. Everyone would be so much better off without me.

A few hours later, there was a knock on the door to my room. Larry had left earlier so he could work and Cynthia had stayed with me since. She tried interrogating me about what had happened and I told her it wasn't serious. Alana, Evan, and Jared entered the room. Cynthia looked surprised.

"Oh, hello!" She greeted them. "Here- um, I'll let you guys talk for a bit." She obviously felt awkward, especially from last night's dinner, and she left the room.

"Why are you here?" I grumbled.

"Because we're worried about you," Alana insisted.

"Wh- what happened?" Evan questioned and sat down in one of the chairs next to my bed. Jared sat in the other and Alana sat on the ledge by the window on the other side of my bed.

"I didn't sleep last night and I didn't feel well so my mom let me stay home. I decided to eat something small to help ease the pain, but not large enough where it would stop me from dying, so I went downstairs to find a snack." I started. "Then I talked to my dad for a little bit and accidentally mentioned that I haven't been eating so he tried to stop me from going back to my room and I passed out. Honestly, it probably was just because I was tired, I've gone much longer without eating."

"What's in the IV?" Jared asked.

"I thought it was just water but I asked a nurse and she said it's a glucose drip because I'm dehydrated and don't have enough sugar in my body so that's great."

"Awesome. I wish I could have sugar injected into me." Jared joked. "Seriously though, are you okay?"

"What do you want me to say? Ah, yes I'm fine and I am not the slightest bit depressed and I am perfectly healthy both physically and mentally," I remarked.

"Hey, I'm pretty sure none of us are perfectly healthy; mentally or physically," Jared objected. "Especially me."

"Whatever."

"Have you eaten anything yet?" Alana questioned.

"I told the nurses that I couldn't eat anything big but they insisted I ate a decent meal and brought me a pb&j sandwich. I ate half of it and then couldn't eat anymore and immediately threw up."

"Alright, well you should start with crackers. They're light and you should be able to keep them down."

"Whatever."

"Do you want me to get you some? I'm sure they have some here."

"No."

"Connor."

"Fine, if you really want to get me crackers, then go ahead. Have fun."

"I will," Alana smirked and left the room in search of crackers, leaving me alone with Evan and Jared.

"C- Connor?" Evan started.

"Hmm?"

"Are you staying overnight?"

"I have no idea, why?"

"Well if- if you were you- you might have my m- mom as your nurse. Sh- she's working tonight and I think she's in ch- charge of some rooms on th- this floor."

"Oh, well wouldn't that be ironic?" I smiled.

"So," Jared stood up and plopped down on the foot of my bed. "I know how it feels."

"What are you talking about, Kleinman?"

"I- um- I- nevermind."

"Finish your statement, Jared." Just then, Alana barged back into the room before Jared could speak.

"I found crackers!" She announced and handed me a box of Saltines.

"Great," I remarked sarcastically. "Shouldn't you guys be leaving now? You should go home and eat dinner or whatever."

"No, we can stay long-"

"That's me telling you to leave because I need rest." I interrupted Alana.

"Oh okay. See you soon then, Connor."

"Bye," Evan squeaked.

"I'll meet you guys outside in a second," Jared told them as Alana and Evan left the room.

"So, are you gonna tell me what you were starting to say?"

"Uh, yeah," Jared hesitated.

"Go ahead."

"I'm kinda-sorta depressed too, so I know how it feels."

"Huh." Was my response because truly, I didn't know how to respond.

"Feel better, Murphy. Or else," Jared flashed me a small grin and waved before leaving the room. That's when I noticed the bandages on his wrists.


End file.
